Posts by Imogen Francis
Simon Collison Dragged into more Discussions He Couldn’t Care Less About
Photo by patrick h. lauke
He of the fancy name – Paul Robert Lloyd (who also lives near the inexplicably hilariously named Climping, in England) chose to take the opportunity today to moan about web conferences. He specifically mentioned the good work Simon Collison is doing running affordable one-day conferences in Nottingham, England. His complaints – that the same speakers seem to be appearing at each of the conferences world-wide – seems to completely disregard the fact that they continue to be booked because they are popular, speak well, and are generally qualified as speakers overall.
Being unable to choose between any of the three Christian names he has had since birth, Lloyd has grown up a bitter and twisted individual. Moaning about the cost of the iPad and taking that opportunity to donate to charity, Lloyd made absolutely certain that we all *knew* he was donating to charity. Whether or not this undid the selflessness of the selfless act was neatly glossed over.
In another post by Brendan Dawes, Dawes whined about designers being nice to each other. His self-indulgent rant also managed somehow to portray poor Collison in a negative light, since other people apparently liked his website. A schoolboy error, Simon.
Simon Collison was unavailable to comment, since he was busy demonstrating the best use for his iPad – namely beating Lloyd about the head with it whilst it announced “bitch” with each multi-touch strike. Also, he said bad things about your mum.
A Correction: Another Innocent Editor Falls Prey to Sarah Lane
Photo by TheOriginal_kevie
Late yesterday, you may have seen something approaching a genuine news article on theTAPIR; this is not our typical approach and for this we are deeply sorry. Not only did Ashley Holland misunderstand the facts at hand, he completely misrepresented them to you, and we apologise. Further details — and the truth! — have been brought to light and we present them to you now as we hope you have come to expect from us.
Hackers and terrorists ruthlessly, callously and without mercy attacked the Smashing Magazine website. These hackers represented the evil and malicious Sarah Lane who (as I’m sure our educated and well adjusted readership will know) likes nothing better than humiliating editors of popular weblogs to provide herself with material for This Week in Fun, her latest web presenting escapade (although she does have very good taste in shoes). These hackers placed a picture — taken under unknown but possibly threatening circumstances — of Vitaly Friedman playing golf, naked but for a strawberry beret and a false Mexican moustache, on the homepage of Smashing Magazine. The techniques (which theTAPIR certainly does not condone) employed by the hackers were sophisticated enough that the only solution Smashing Magazine could find to this emergency was to redirect the entire site to another page.
Never one to miss an opportunity, Vitaly astutely placed an ad on this replacement site for a book he had invented only moments before for this very circumstance. Sadly, this book did not yet exist except in Vitaly’s ingenious mind, so users were met with error after error if they tried to place an order for it. Friedman, in his infinite wisdom, knew this would only create further publicity for Smashing Magazine, and tens of thousands of extra hits were logged whilst potential advertisers rubbed their hands together in glee. Sarah Lane cursed his very existence and prepared new and more devilish plans against Jeffrey Zeldman and Erin Kissane (and also purchased a fantastic new strapless evening gown which really brings out her eyes).
Having skilfully avoided personal embarrassment, Vitaly signed on ten more talented writers to underpay, and tripped over his own piles of money on the way to the bar.
SXSW Demos Daring New Direction
Photo by adrants
TheTAPIR was proud to be present at SXSW Interactive this year, although there was a slight change of format to accommodate the feedback of previous attendees. The talks, discussions and presentations were relocated to a cubicle in the disabled toilet to make room for the barbecues, bars and parties that were made the focus of the event. Speakers danced on the tables at night, and gave lengthy discussions on their hangovers the following day interspersed with drizzled ribs clearly butchered from some kind of genetically altered yak.
Bruce Lawson and Christian Heilmann were spotted slow-dancing together and wearing policewomen’s helmets, fishnet stockings and a sign proclaiming “No through traffic”. Jina Bolton narrowly avoiding being tackled by Leo Laporte on his descent from a crowd-surfing extravaganza gone wrong. And the entire staff of Gowalla were caught with their arms around each other belting out a rousing rendition of “Man in the Mirror” (after which they burst into tears with cries of “but our app has no point!” and consoling coos of “I love you, man”).
Also, some people might have spoken about some web stuff.
Wisconsin village reclaims its idiot
Photo by Jemima G
A village in rural Wisconsin has finally won a four-year long legal battle to have their idiot returned to them. To make him feel at home they have had a plastic farmhouse erected with lots of crayons in the drawers. They have also spent out on a toy push-along tractor in bright fun colours.
“I am really excited about mowing fields. Next year, I want to plant an acre of corn. Or an acre of something[…]” quoth the idiot in question, amongst reassuring nods and cooing sounds.
For some of the more insightful statements of the man, this site is fast becoming one of our favourite sources of random anti-wisdom.
A perfect example of something that sounds like it might be clever but means nothing whatsoever can be found here. Don’t go changing to try and please us, Jason Fried. We love you just the way you are.
Russel Davies in drugged confectionary attack
Photo by roan lavery
Russel Davies recently appeared at dConstruct 2009. Fuzzy from the Rohypnol he took while panicking in the queue for the train to Brighton, he appears to have mistaken dConstruct for another quite different event.
With fun and colourful images on the screen behind him, Davies liberally assaulted the audience with Kinder Eggs. One lady who was glanced on the forehead by a particularly vicious explosion of foil, multi-layered chocolate and plastic smurf had to be stretchered away by the emergency services.
A stumbling Davies asked “Wait, this isn’t the stage at Neverland?”
Mark Boulton thought no-one had noticed but…
Photo by Antikris and Jeff Croft
TheTAPIR’s dutiful staff have caught Mark Boulton making that most terrible of faux pas. Believe it or not, at both @media 2007 and SXSW 2007 Boulton did something unthinkable, that he thought he had got away with. Now that enough time has passed to protect the innocent involved, we can now exclusively reveal the sordid truth:
He wore the same shirt twice. In public.
We are not aware of any repeat offences of this crime, so it would appear that Boulton has either learned his lesson, or he has seeked out and taken some kind of professional help.
Although it is true that this occurred two years ago now, this manner of misdemeanour must not be allowed to pass unnoticed. We cannot stress enough the damage this could cause to the many aspiring web designers that look up to Boulton, and he has a responsibility to act as a good role model.
Shame on you, Mark.
#twitter:first-child
Photo by joi
Yesterday, a brand new baby boy was born to Evan and Sara Morishige Williams. The public were treated to step-by-step details of the labour.
- “Dear Twitter, My water broke. It wasn’t like Charlotte in Sex and the City. Now, timing contractions on an iPhone app.”
- “The Contraction Tracker was fun until the contractions got painful.”
- “Admitted to hospital. Got the second-to-last room.”
- “Epidural, yes please.”
Another tweet, that existed briefly before being deleted said:
“Get that fucking laptop off of me, I don’t want to write on the fucking website thing, I have what feels like a zeppelin trying to exit my t”
Sadly, 140 characters didn’t manage to capture the entire sentiment.
Ryan Carson: skull deficiency
Photo by seanosh
It has been discovered that Ryan Carson is missing the top of his head. If he removes his hat at any point there is a very real danger his brain will fall out.
Andy Budd gets drunk in Vegas and is impressed with everything
Photo by adactio
Andy Budd saw fit to get drunk and tell us very vaguely about how wonderful it was today. Some of his tweets:
- “I feel I’ve just walked into a level of myst!”
- “This is fucking amazing!”
- “Ok, that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Fucking awesome!”
It certainly sounds like Andy had a good time. It’s a shame he did not deign to tell us what these “awesome” occurrences were.
“It’s a disgrace,” an old lady outside my house said. “The English are never meant to be impressed with anything, especially in America. He’s really let the side down.”
Jeremy Keith causes alpen hysteria
Photo by wasabicube
There was a threat today that Jeremy Keith would tweet about something other than eating toast. Panic spread across the Internet as Keith mentioned the muesli he had had that morning, but things quickly returned to normal with a tweet on the merits of butter vs margerine, and the threat level has been reduced back down to yellow breakfast alert.